sometimes i wonder if it all goes back to him.

every now and then something pushes through all the distractions and reaches into my heart.

i wonder how many of my mistakes stem from not being over it.

i've yet to find something as true and as real.

but i keep trying.

the smell of roses, an old friend's wedding vows today, the look in that new person's eyes, the way my little

nephew puts his arms around my neck and leans his little head on my chest.

it all whispers of something deeper. it romances me, entreats me to not settle. asks me to remember who i was

before my heart broke.

i've felt so good about moving on. until the other night. surprised by tears in the middle of something that should

have been wonderful. i thought about m. and realized that it wasn't m. it was still j. i was momentarily horrified.

seriously??? i thought. this can't be about him! that's ridiculous. frightening, even. and i thought, what more could i

possibly do? i've been trying my best to live in the moment. tried to lay the whole thing aside. give up already.

freakin let it go. is this information a super bad sign? i don't know. what do other people do? he's made his choice.

it's clear to me the way things are. and i don't want to, and refuse to give up love because of that. but what do i do

with those tears?